600 Things I am NOT Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by ShowYourWings
Summary: Same as old one, just 200 more things. Once again, dont own HP, made from like twenty differnet stories, cant give creds to the author don't remember their names


Things I Must Not Do at Hogwarts

1. I must not tell Dumbledore that I am a spy for Rumbleroar.

2. I must not throw shampoo and conditioner at Professor Snape.

3. Transferring to Pigfarts is NOT an option.

4. I must not run through the hallways screaming "The muggles are coming, the muggles are coming!" during class.

5. …or before class.

6. …or after.

7. I must not put baby blast-ended skrewts in Slytherin's Quidditch robes.

8. I must not make fun of Filch for being a squib.

9. I must not strangle Mrs. Norris.

10. I must not ask Professor Lupin when his 'time of the month' is.

11. I must not call Professor McGonagall "kitty".

12. I must not draw dark marks on my roommates arms while they are sleeping.

13. I must not tell Harry Potter that You-Know-Who is back.

14. I must not yell "Basilisk! Behind you!"

15. …especially near muggle-born wizards.

16. …that includes Hermoine.

17. I must not dress up as a dementor and attempt to kiss Harry Potter.

18. …even if I fancy him.

19. I must not try to eat Luna Lovegood's radish earrings.

20. …especially while she is still wearing them.

21. I must not stupefy anyone and claim they have been petrified.

22. I must not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" while on my way down to the Headmaster's office.

23. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms".

24. I must not draw mustaches, devil horns, or any other image on the painting subjects. It is not amusing.

25. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West.

26. … so Professor Umbridge will not melt if a bucket of water is poured over her head.

27. …I must not test this.

28. …and she does not have an army of flying monkeys, so I must stop asking to see them.

29. I must not bring fortune cookies into Divination as an assignment and expect to get full credit.

30. …even if the fortune is proved correct.

31. I must not eat anything given to me by the Weasley twins.

32. I must not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

33. I must not gesture toward Harry Potter's scar and ask if his "Voldy senses are tingling".

34. I must not refer the Accio charm as "The Force".

35. …or any other spell.

36. Hissing is not the same as Parceltongue.

37. I must not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

38. Telling first-years that they need to have the "witch-burning test" done to them upon entering Hogwarts is not funny.

39. I must not ride a Thestral in a muggle horse race for an unfair advantage.

40. …or a Hippogriff.

41. I must not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

42. Having not done said name-calling to Aragog, I also must not ask him to save my pig's life.

43. I must not sing the Batman theme song when the Dark Mark is present.

44. I must not claim that Gryffindor students could beat up the Slytherin students if locked in a room together.

45. …I must not test this.

46. I must not start bets to see how long each DADA teacher will last, as this is not a proper way to make money.

47. I must not start bets to see how long Harry Potter will live, as this is not a proper way to make money.

48. I must not convince first-years that if you take Astronomy you will be abducted by aliens.

49. I must not try to breed Mrs. Norris and a Dragon together. The result would not be totally awesome.

50. Putting slugs in Ronald Weasley's food is not funny.

51. If the name or description of a spell makes me giggle for longer than ten seconds, I must assume that I am not permitted to try it.

52. I must not get the Sorting Hat drunk as it only makes his song funny the first time.

53. I must not threaten to call Ghostbusters on the residential ghosts of Hogwarts.

54. I must not call Dumbledore "Santa Clause".

55. I must not dunk my owl's feet in ink and have it walk over parchment before selling it to students as a "cheat sheet" for Ancient Runes.

56. …even though Crabbe and Goyle fall for it every time.

57. I must not bungee-jump from the Astronomy tower.

58. I must not make actual tea in Professor Trelawney's class, nor must I drink it.

59. I must not talk in an Australian accent in Care of Magical Creatures.

60. …even if my accent is the best around.

61. Offering to buy Professor Trelawney a pair of glasses for her Inner Eye is not funny.

62. I must not sell Hippogriff rides to first-years.

63. I must not tell the teachers not to give homework since we don't actually go home during the school year.

64. I must not tell Ronald Weasley that Ginny is snogging Harry Potter or anyone else in Gryffindor.

65. …and Slytherin.

66. …and Hufflepuff.

67. …and Ravenclaw.

68. I must not use a silencing charm on teachers.

69. …or prefects.

70. Mary Poppins is not a potion-brewer and therefore I should not follow her advice and add a "spoonful of sugar" to any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.

71. Tossing first-years' clothes into and around the Whomping Willow is frowned upon and not permitted.

72. I must not use Professor Umbridge's pen to write "Hardcore".

73. Professor Lupin does not need nor want a flea collar, and I should not offer him one.

74. …even for free.

75. I must not put muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

76. I must not convince first-years that there is a fifth house in Hogwarts.

77. …nor that I am the leader of it.

78. …nor that I am the founder of it.

79. I must not introduce Peeves to the game of paintball.

80. …nor can I hold a paintball war with him against first-years.

81. I must not convince Hagrid that Pokemon are real and should be introduced to the class.

82. I must not charm any of the armor in Hogwarts school to come to life and challenge Sir Cadogan to a duel.

83. I must not ask Malfoy how often he has blonde moments.

84. I must not try to charm my gummy bears to life.

85. Professor Umbridge is not a toad, and I must not offer her a jar of flies.

86. …no matter how hungry she may look.

87. I must not call Slytherin girls "Voldy's Angels".

88. I am not authorized to force students to perform "flying under the influence" tests during Quidditch matches.

89. Just because there are only 3 Unforgiveable Curses doesn't make any other curse "pretty much forgivable".

90. I must not try to break into Gringotts.

91. I must not place spiders on Ronald Weasley's head.

92. …even if it is funny when he squeals like a little girl.

93. I must not convince Dobby that Harry Potter's deepest desire is to own a house-elf eating dragon.

94. I must not ask Hermoine if rats live in her hair.

95. …nor may I ask if it is used as a bee hive.

96. I must not call Ginny Weasley a "ginger".

97. …nor any other Weasley child.

98. I must stop asking Seamus Finnegan to do a jig for me.

99. I must stop asking Seamus Finnegan to show me his pot of gold.

100. I must not estimate how much sushi the Giant Squid from the lake would make.

101. …I should not test this.

102. I must not poke Hufflepuff students with spoons.

103. …or tease them about their colors.

104. …even if they do look like overgrown bees.

105. I must not refer to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

106. I must not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals episodes in the Great Hall or anywhere else in Hogwarts school.

107. I must not shave Mrs. Norris.

108. I must not replace Malfoy's wand with a trick wand.

109. Trevor will not turn into a prince and therefore I may not kiss him.

110. I must not pick my nose with Malfoy's wand.

111. …or my ears.

112. …or any other part of my body, and anyone else's.

113. I must not ask Professor McGonagall if she has ever hacked up a hairball. It is offensive and completely un-amusing.

114. There is no such thing as "bring a muggle to school day".

115. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blonde, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherin students that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

116. I must not convince first-years that there is a regular karaoke night.

117. I must not write "DRINK ME" on any potions or vials in Professor Snape's classroom.

118. Professor Lupin is not a "nice doggy".

119. …neither is The Grim.

120. I must not ask Professor Sprout where the Green Giant lives.

121. I must not cite my greatest influences as Fred and George Weasley.

122. I must not call Professor McGonagall Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

123. I must not write things on the walls in red paint.

124. …not even if I use real blood.

125. I am not permitted to have my own private army.

126. …or minions.

127. I must not in any way hide, tamper with, eat, touch, or go anywhere near Professor Dumbledore's supply of candy.

128. Mad-eye Moody knows his eye is creepy and does not need to be told…again.

129. I must not post signs saying "THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED FOR AN UNCERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME" as it is not amusing to any of the Ravenclaw students.

130. …or Hermoine.

131. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

132. I must not levitate in on a pink bubble singing to first-years and referring said first-years as munchkins.

133. No part of my school uniform is edible.

134. Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

134. I must not try to create another Whomping Willow in herbology.

135. I must not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

136. Gravity is a set law of nature and I am not to tamper with it.

137. I must not call Professor Flitwick "Yoda".

138. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".

139. The proper way to address the Headmaster is not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

140. When someone accuses me of not wearing drawers, I should ignore them. Proving them wrong is indecent.

141. …especially if I can't.

142. I must not feed first-years to Fluffy.

143. …even if he looks hungry.

144. I must not try to put a satellite dish on top of the astronomy tower, no matter how clear the picture would be.

145. I must not use the house-elves as my own personal minions.

146. …or as backup singers.

147. …or dancers.

178. I am not allowed to form a kazoo band with said house-elves.

179. Thestrals do not like being named after the muggle toys known as "My Little Pony".

180. I am not a vampire slayer.

181. In no way is doing homework offend my culture, and I should stop insisting so.

182. In no way is doing homework against my religion, either.

183. I must not aim bludgers at the spectators.

184. …or the referees.

185. I must not refer to myself as "the reincarnation of Merlin".

186. I must not "Accio" anyone's clothing while they are wearing it.

187. …including my own.

188. "All is fair in love and war" is not a legit rule at Hogwarts.

189. I must not try to convince everyone that Quidditch would be improved with the includement of muggle firearms.

190. I must not shave Snape's hair off.

191. …I must not make said shaved hair into a wig and wear it to Potion's class.

192. …No one cares if it makes me feel pretty.

193. Bathrobes do not count as wizard robes and therefore I must not wear them around Hogwarts.

194. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

195. I must not tell the first-years that they will melt while in the showers.

196. I must not leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

197. Hogwarts is in the UK, therefore the United States' Constitution does not apply. So, saying "Avada Kadavra" is not protected under the first amendment stating that everyone has rights to freedom of speech.

198. I must not refer to Voldemort as "Baldymort". He does not appreciate it.

199. Voldemort does not want to be my "Mustache Buddy".

200. I must not ask Professor Snape (or Professor Umbridge) if a house fell on his (or her) sister.

201. I must not tell Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce."

202. I will not ask Lucius Malfoy if I can borrow his hair dryer.

203. … no matter how nice it may be.

204. I will not convince Dobby that Harry Potter's deepest desire is a pit bull named Ripper

205. I will not give Ron Weasley a spider for Christmas

206. I will not ask Voldemort if he just needs a hug

207. I must not put itching powder in the slytherin quidditch robes.

208. I must not get caught putting itching powder in the slytherin quidditch robes.

209. I must not give Peeves access to a wand.

210. …Or a potion of any kind.

211. I must not assist Peeves

212. I must not turn my fellow students or teachers into ferrets.

213. …Or any other kind of animal.

214. …Not even if they deserve it.

215. I must not piss off Filch.

216. I must not curse Filch just because he cannot retaliate.

219. I must not call professor McGonagall 'Tabby'

220. I must not elope on the third floor corridor.

221. I must not run through the great hall screaming 'TROLL, IN THE DUNGEON'

222. …especially not on Halloween.

223. I must not put the imperius curse on Harry Potter to get him on his own.

224. I must not give Harry Potter a love potion.

225. I must not curse Ginny Weasley because she spoke to Harry Potter and I haven't.

226. I must not use the secret passage to Honey dukes for my own personal gain.

227. I must not make a marauders map.

228. I must not laugh at Snape when he says 'bottle fame and brew glory'

229. …its not his fault he can't say his "r's"

230. I must not make up a prophecy in which I marry Harry Potter.

231. I must not dress up in a dementors cloak and attempt to "kiss" my friends.

232. I must not dress up in a cloak and levitate Harry Potter until he agrees to go out with me.

233. I must not pretend to speak parsletongue by hissing a lot

234. I must not ask Slughorn if I can polish his bald patch.

235. I must not predict the death of Ginny Weasley in Divination.

236. I must not flick dung bombs into Snapes office and blame it on Ginny Weasley.

237. I must resist the temptation to knock Crabbe and Goyle's heads together in the hope that it might knock some sense into them.

238. I must not stick a post-it on Ron Weasley's back that says 'I LOVE HERMIONE'

239. I must try not to laugh at Luna Love good's radish shaped earrings.

240. …and neither must I steal them for myself.

241. I must not get drunk of fire whiskey and make a pass at Professor Flitwick.

242. I must not stupefy Ginny Weasley and tell everyone she's been petrified.

243. I must not tell McGonagall that Peter Pettigrew tried to kill me.

244. Ditto You-Know-Who.

245. Ditto Ginny Weasley.

246. I must stop obsessing over Ginny Weasley's Death and my marrying Harry Potter and mothering countless children with him because its never going to happen.

247…unless I kill Ginny.

248. We must not try and insist that Voldemort and Bellatrix are 'Meant for each other. He's a red-eyed demon, and she's crazy. Perfect couple.'

249. I will not walk up to Pansy Parkinson and stick a piece of chewed gum on her nose and

250. I will not walk into the trophy room and stare while saying, "Look at all the shiny things."

251. I will not walk up to Professor Snape during Double Potions and ask, "Boxers or briefs?"

252. I will not stare longingly at Professor Dumbledore during dinner.

253. I will not ask Professor McGonagall if she shops as Victoria's Secret to impress Albus.

254. I will not tell Draco Malfoy that he and Professor Trelawney really _would_ make a cute couple

255. I will not try and give Neville the wrong password to the Gryffindor common room

256. I will not purposefully faint in Care of Magical Creatures class just so Hagrid will carry me to the castle.

257. I will not run around the castle singing Broadway show tunes dedicated to my favorite male teachers.

258. I will not trip and fall into Professor Snape's arms and say, "My, my Severus is that your wand or are you happy to see me?"

259. I will not ask Professor Flitwick to where a codpiece for a day because Hermione Granger said he'd look totally sexy if he did.

260. I will not walk over to the Slytherin table and ask Draco if he is as good as his dad.

261. I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Loogius".

262. I will not lick Professor Snape's Dark Mark, no matter how sexy it may be.

263. I will not tell the Fat Lady that Sirius Black says hi.

264. I will not dance the robot during divination.

265. I will not spread the rumor that I heard from Pansy who heard from some Ravenclaw girl who heard from Cho who heard from Luna who heard from Ginny who heard from Lavender who heard from her cousin's step sister's great- great aunt twice removed that Tom Riddle once was a good shag, before he got all snake like and stuff.

266. I will not walk up to Professor Snape on his birthday and say, "I didn't know if you wanted the thong or the bikini, so I got both."

267. I will not ask Professor Lupin if his "furry little problem" has something to do with…you know…_down there_.

267. I will not ask Cho if her parents accidently sneezed when they named her.

288. I will not try and single handedly solve house rivalries.

289. I will not walk into the common room and shout, "HARRY POTTER LOVES DRACO MALFOY AND HE TOLD ME SO!"

290. I will not tell Harry not to name his kid Albus Severus.

291. I will not say loudly so that Professor Snape can hear, "Whoever this Half-Blood Prince guy was, I'd like to meet him because he sounds really really _HOT_!"

292. I will not poor a goblet of pumpkin juice over my head because it just isn't acceptable behavior.

293. I will not let it slip that Professor Snape is ticklish because I would have a hard time explaining how I know.

294. I will not take Harry's invisibility cloak and randomly cover people and start shouting "OMG WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU GO?"

295. I will not teach the first years "Lumos" and tell them to start waving it back and forth slowly above their heads during Professor Snape's usual start of term speech.

296. I will not tell Ron he is the Candyman..

297. I will not under any circumstances tell Hagrid he really needs to get laid.

298. I will not draw designs on my skin and say, "Look everyone, I've got a scar too!"

299. I will not hang a "do not disturb" on the gargoyle outside Dumbledore's office.

300. I will not gift a subscription to every wizard porn magazine there is to Neville and tell him to "live a little".

301. I will not ask Professor Snape to dance with me at the Yule Ball, because no matter how many times I do, he always will say no.

302. I will not try to pay the house elves for their services.

303. I will not ask all the male teachers how long their wands are.

304. I will not ask Crabbe and Goyle to spell .

305. I will not burst into tears every time Draco enters the room.

306. I will not snicker impolitely whenever somebody walks by.

307. I will not use a 72 hour sticking solution and put toilet paper on Professor Snape's shoe, and then proceed to ask him how it got there and why he hasn't pulled it off yet.

308. I will not laugh hysterically when he tries to pull off said toilet paper.

309. I will not announce to Professor Lupin, "Oh yes, I like 'em ruff."

310. I will not call Professor Umbridge nicknames such as "Build-a-bridge", "Suspension Bridge", and "Pig Face".

311. I will not tell the first years that rats are in during cat season.

312. I will not march up to Professor Snape during breakfast and tell him that last night was wonderful and that I'd like to do it again.

313. I will not place a rat in a cat trap and wait for Mrs. Norris to approach before throwing the invisibility cloak over it and yelling, "You can't see it!"

314. I will not tell Harry he looks like his mother and has his father's eyes.

315. I will not read a NC-17 rated Marriage Law fanfic during Potions class and laugh during every shag scene.

316. I will not write "Professor Mickgoonagill" on a poster and post it in the transfiguration classroom.

317. I will not go to the bathroom door and write "wo" before the word men on all the men's bathroom doors.

318. I will not tell all the teachers that they all look like famous muggle actors.

319. I will not write "mine" on everything that isn't mine.

320. I will not raise my hand during Double Potions with Slytherins and tell Professor Snape that I appreciated him lending me his shoulder to cry on.

321. I will not make a list of all the best shags in the school and post in on the walls.

322. I will not steel Luna Lovegood's shoes.

323. I will not push Draco Malfoy in front of me if I mock a hippogriff.

324. I will not mock a hippogriff.

325. I will not call Ron, "Won-Won" because I know that it irks just about every female in Gryffindor.

326. I will not slip a lust potion into Professor Snape's morning tea.

327. I will not state loudly in the great hall that I enjoy riding Harry's "broomstick".

328. I will not try to hook up Crookshanks and Mrs. Norris.

329. I will not challenge Professor McGonagall to a mud wrestling match because I saw her looking at Professor Snape.

330. I will not conjure a snake out of nowhere during a duel, because seriously that is the lamest spell ever.

331. I will not charm Hermione's hairbrush to cling to her hair and not let go.

332. I will not charm the girl's dormitories to only open for boys, but put a no boys allowed sign above the door.

333. I will not charm the boy's dormitories to only open for girls and put a no boys allowed sign above the door.

334. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Professor Snape when the last time he got laid was.

335. I will not buy Professor Flitwick a pair of stilts for Christmas.

336. I will not try to cut Dumbledore's hair. He prefers it hippy style.

337. I will not question the teacher's judgment when they deal out detention, because unfortunately that only makes them give you more detention.

338. I will not complain about the house elves cooking.

339. I will not prance around yelling, "Wizard rule, muggles drool!" because the muggleborns may take offense.

340. I will not test Amortentia on Professor Snape.

341. I will not make Amortentia in my spare time.

342. I will not start wandering around the common room saying, "What is that mysterious ticking noise?"

343. I will not tell everyone that I once read a muggle book where all the characters looked and acted similar to everyone at Hogwarts.

345. I will not call Tonks "Nymphie".

344. I will not tell everyone that Harry and Mad-Eye Moody were involved.

345. I will not question the use of every potion we make in potions class.

346. I will not add random ingredients to potion just because I like to watch things explode.

347. I will not annoyingly ask, "Why?" after everything Professor Snape says.

348. I will not call Neville a sheep.

349. I will not where a hat with a vulture on it around the castle.

350. I will not transfigure a goblet into a rat and give it to Professor McGonagall as a birthday present.

351. I will not let it slip that Sirius Black is an unregistered animagus because that is just not funny.

352. I will not call Dumbledore, "Albutt Dumblecrack."

353. I will not let it slip that Harry's secret nickname is "Roonil Wazlib".

354. I will not insult Professor Snape's intelligence.

355. I will not, ever, never ever call Mr. Filch, "love".

356. I will not walk up to Ginny and tell her it's not ok to snog Dean Thomas.

357. I will not tell Lavender she has a poor taste in men.

358. I will not feed Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes to the owls before they deliver the mail.

359. I will not start a club that has "army" in the name because people always get the wrong impression when they hear the word army.

360. I will not switch my essay with Hermione's just so I can say that I'm smart.

361. I will not write "I am so smrt" on Harry's Potions textbook.

362. I will not laugh hysterically when Ron and Hermione announce that they are dating.

363. I will not throw the lemon drops Professor Dumbledore offers me at his face.

364. I will not, under ANY circumstances, run up to Professor Snape in the Great Hall and pinch his cheeks while saying, "OH Sevy Wevypoo you are sooooooooo cute!"

365. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

366.I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."

367. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

368. I am not allowed to cackle whenever practicing magic. Real wizards don't get it

369. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

370. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a Room" when they start to fight.

371. Calling Lucius Malfoy a "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

372. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously.

373. A drawn on thunder cloud scar over my left eyebrow does not mean I am Harry Potter's evil twin.

374. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.

375. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.

376.I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school anthem.

377. Recording a remix of "It's a Hard Knock Life" using the house-elves as vocal backing is not funny.

378. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End."

379. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"

380. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts."

381. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

382. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.

383. I will not lock the Slytherin and Gryffindor first-years in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

384. Yelling "Oh my God! It's the Clan!" when death eaters are coming to get you is NOT a lifesaving line.

385. I will not change the Gryffindor password to "Draco Malfoy is a sexy beast."

386. Telling Umbridge that cardigans are _so_ 2005 will get you in trouble

387. "Accidentally" dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood's hair in Snape's drink is a very unhealthy hobby.

388. Eating doxies will not make you high.

389. Misspelling the word "serious" as "Sirius" on your potions assignments is not a way to make friends with your potions teacher.

390. The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.

391. I must not charm little heart-shaped bubbles to pop up anytime Hermione and Ron look at each other.

392. I am not allowed to point out to Trelawney that astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.

393. Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.

394. It is particularly cruel to convince the first-years that getting Professor Snape to laugh is considered extra-credit.

395. I will not switch the labels on the ingredient boxes in Snape´s storeroom.

396. I will not rearrange the letters in my name to something evil sounding. On this note, I am also not to get a group of followers and call them something evil. Along with the above, I am not to get everyone similar tattoos.

397. I will not ask Professor Sprout were she hides the good stuff.

398. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

399. I will not bring a semi automatic weapon to Hogwart's for protection.

400. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

401. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

402. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

403. I will not go to class skyclad.

404. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

405. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

406. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

407. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

408. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall

409... Or anywhere else for that matter.

410. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

411. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

412. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

413 I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

414. I am not a sloth Animagus.

415. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

416. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

417. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

418. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.

419. I will not kiss Trevor.

420. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

421. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.\

422. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

423. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

424. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark

425. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

426. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

427. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

428. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".

429. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".

430. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

431. The Malfoys are not Draka.

432. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

433. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

434. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

435. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

436. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

437. I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".

438. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

438. -Or any other Slytherin.

439. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

440. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

441. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

442. -I am not a Professor, at all.

443. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

444. -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

445. -It was not an honest mistake.

446. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

447. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

448. -Or the teacher laundry.

449. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

450 While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless..

451. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.

452. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

453.I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

454. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.

455. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behaviour.

456. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

457. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

458. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

459. -Testing this last is not funny.

460. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

461. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

462. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

463. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

464. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.

465. -Neither is The Fat Lady.

466. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It

does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

467. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

468. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

469. -Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

470. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.

471. I am not authorised to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.

472. -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon

473. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

474. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

475. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

476. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal post-box.

477. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

478. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

479. Neville is not my valet.

480. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

481. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

482. I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.

483. House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

484. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

485. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

486. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

487. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

488. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Homeboys."

489. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."

490. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

491. I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie.

492I must not convince the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

493. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

494. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

495. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design.

496. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

497. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera.

498. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine.

499. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

500. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

501. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

502. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

503. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

504. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

505. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a out of my hat!" during Charms class.

506. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

507. Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either

508. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother.

509. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. Exams.

510. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

511. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

512. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

513. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

514. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

515. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.

516. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

517. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

518. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

519. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

520. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient

521. Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

522. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.

523. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.

524. -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

525. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.

526. I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

527. I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

528. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

530. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

531. Portable Swamps are not funny.

532. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.

533. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.

534. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

535. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

536. I am not the wicked witch of the west.

537. -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

538. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

539. -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

540. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.

541. I am not a Wirn animagus, either.

542. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

543. -Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

544. "Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons" is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures Class.

545. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

546. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

547. -Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.

548. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".

549. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.

550. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".

551. -Nor Professor Snape.

551. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

552. -Or transform a pepper pot into a Dalek.

553. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.

554. -That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

555. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars

556. Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

557. Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.

558. -Especially not if I actually have them.

559. Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.

560. -Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.

561. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class..

562. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.

563. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

564. Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.

565. Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall non-stop repeatedly will result in a detention.

566. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.

567. Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

568. I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.

569. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.

570. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

571. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

572. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.

573. -Even if my prefect did it.

574. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.

575. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

576. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

577. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

578. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.

579. I will not use invisibility charms on anyone's clothing.

580. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

581. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

582. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

583. - Especially not all of them at once.

584. I will not try to hock off my old piercing as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

585. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos.

586. It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing.

587. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

588. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

589. The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.

590. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

591. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

592. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.

593. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

593. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

594. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

595. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

596. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'

597. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

598. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

599. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

600. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.


End file.
